It wasn’t until this year that guys started looking at me. This year they started calling me pretty, texting me, sending me snaps. Then they start asking for things you don’t want to give, and when you don’t all a sudden you’re on delivered for six weeks. Now I don’t feel pretty.

It’s this feeling in your gut where you feel absolutely disgusting, and you don’t want to eat, or look in the mirror. In a generation where we live for validation, through likes, comments, anywhere we can get it, it’s really hard to not care.

Now I’m careful to not open a message too quickly in fear that I look uncool or desperate. Now I know when to pose correctly to make sure I look good. I have to make sure to tag popular songs so they don’t know I have a weird music taste. Now I make sure to not post too much and to make sure what I’m posting isn’t weird or embarrassing. Now I’m quiet because I’m so scared of saying the wrong thing and no longer being pretty.

Up until this year I was always the weird kid, the person everyone always made fun of. Being called names “weird, fat, ugly.”

I never felt pretty. There were the girls who were called pretty and I remember looking at them dying and wishing to be like them. I never was. I never got a lot of likes or follows on social media, but all the pretty girls did, I was convinced they were buying them. They weren’t.

I don’t know what changed about me this year. I’m finally one of the “pretty girls” but I don’t feel pretty. Is it because I’ve lost weight? Is it because my style changed? Is it the way I wear my hair? Because now boys want to rate my body on a scale one to ten. I’m no longer praying to God to make me pretty, I’m praying to get a high score. I’m no longer praying for him to text me, I’m praying for him to not use me.

I don’t feel pretty. I live off the validation, and when it’s not given it tears me apart. What hurts even more is so many girls go through this same exact story. So many girls don’t get to feel pretty because this generation is based off likes, follows, and Snapscores.

I wonder if when the boys look at me today, they see the little girl that they bullied to the point she didn’t want to go to school anymore. The girl that went home crying to her mom, crying to God to be pretty. The girl who felt like she broken just because a couple of guys made her feel worthless.

I don’t feel pretty.